Sometimes I miss the freedom of being able to do whatever I pleased at any given time and not have to worry about "Is the diaper bag packed? When did he nap last? I hope he doesn't act like a little turd at the restaurant tonight. " but, at the same time even when he acts his worst and we live for a day in Tantrum City I still would never give it up!
Its crazy how much motherhood can change a woman, and I'm certainly not saying its always for the better! My father has told me on more than one occasion "You needed that boy!" and I couldn't agree more! The life I was living before I got pregnant was one worth being ashamed of, drugs and alcohol ruled my existence and I lived life to party, had no interest in my family even though all they ever did was try to help me and I would turn on my friends in an instant if they tried to give me advice. NOT a healthy lifestyle in the least! Having Jude forced me to grow up and come to terms with the fact that I was a BAD person and had a lot of growing up to do. Don't get me wrong, I still go out and have the occasional cocktail or 'girls night' when my son is at his fathers house for the week but the catch is just that... I go out when he is at his fathers house, where he belongs! So many 'women' I know had kids and still remain the same person that they were before, the party girl who wants to drink every night and let their parents raise their children. News Flash Ladies: YOUR PARENTS DID NOT HAVE YOUR CHILD! Grow the hell up and take responsibility for your actions!
On the other hand, we have the select few mothers who I consider to be friends. The women who settled down in the interest of their child, endured the sleepless nights no matter how tired they were and went damn near crazy because of this unexplainable and undeniable love for the life they created and CHOSE to bring into the world. These are the women I respect and call friend, because even though(chances are) they could have taken the easy route and pawned their kid off on their parents but, they didn't.
Truth be told, I DO miss my freedom and I DO think that life would have been easier if I had done things 'the right way' (whatever that means) but one thing that I know for sure.... I LOVE BEING A MOM and no matter what life I "lived" before April 21st 2010.... I can say with more conviction than I have ever said anything, I was not living for anything and now I live for my only thing, My Jude!
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